By Elizabeth Hill, Director of Communications & Development, MWI
Most de-escalation advice fails because it asks us to use our brains when our bodies are in ‘fight or flight’ mode. When conflict escalates at work, the advice is familiar. Pause. Use “I” statements. Stay calm. Listen better.
None of that is wrong. But in real moments, when meetings go sideways, emails land poorly, and conversations suddenly feel charged; those strategies often do not work.
Not because those skills are ineffective, but because they arrive too late or in the wrong order.
When tension rises, the issue is usually not a lack of communication skills. It is that someone’s nervous system is already responding to a threat.
Before words can do their work, the body must settle.
Settle the Nervous System
When people feel blamed, dismissed, or misunderstood, their system shifts into protection mode. Their posture or tone may change, or you may notice they become defensive or withdrawn. At that point, even well-intentioned communication can feel threatening. What often helps first is not the perfect response, but a change in pace and presence:
- slowing the conversation down
- pausing before responding
- lowering volume
- naming what is happening without analyzing it (For example, instead of explaining or justifying a reaction, you might simply say: “I feel myself getting defensive.”)
These moves reduce the threat enough for the conversation to continue.
Once that happens, how we respond matters.
Drop Defensiveness
One of the fastest ways conflicts escalate is through defensiveness. Someone says something that feels inaccurate or unfair, and the instinct is immediate. Explain. Correct. Justify.
That instinct is human. It is also often the fuel that feeds the fire.
Defensive responses keep attention locked on blame and self-protection:
- “That is not what I meant.”
- “You misunderstood me.”
- “Here is why that is not accurate.”
Another option is to stay present without defending yourself. This does not mean agreeing or avoiding accountability. It means choosing not to turn the moment into a debate about who is right.
When defensiveness drops, something important often happens. The other person has less reason to escalate.
In practice, this subtle shift is often the difference between a conversation that spirals and one that steadies.
Get Curious
After the immediate edge softens, a different kind of work becomes possible. This is the moment for curiosity and for understanding what lies beneath the tension.
People are more able to reflect when they do not feel like they are bracing for impact. Frustration, disappointment, and feeling unheard often carry useful information about what needs attention.
This works best once the nervous system has settled, and people are no longer in defense mode. When it comes too early, it can feel abstract or dismissive. When the timing is right, it can turn misunderstanding into clarity.
Scenario
Imagine a colleague says the following in a heated meeting:
“This keeps happening because no one ever listens to me!”
It’s not just about this moment. There’s emotion in it, some history, and the sense that this keeps happening. Your brain likely wants to correct the record immediately. Here’s how the sequence might look in practice:
-
Settle the Nervous System
Before addressing the words, address the energy. If you snap back, the “threat” level in the room spikes.
- What you do: Take a breath. Lower your volume slightly. Wait two seconds before speaking.
- What you might say: “I can hear how much of a struggle this is for you right now. Let’s just take a second so I can make sure I’m really hearing this.”
-
Drop Defensiveness
It can feel like the moment is pulling you into a debate. If you don’t provide one, the energy has nowhere to go.
- The Instinct (Avoid this): “That’s not fair, we spent an hour on your proposal yesterday.” (This invites a “Yes, but…” loop).
- What you might say: “It’s clearly frustrating to feel like your input isn’t landing. I’m not going to argue with that experience.”
-
Get Curious
Now that the “threat” has been lowered and you haven’t fought back, the colleague’s nervous system can move out of protection mode. Now you can look for the data.
- What you do: Ask an open question about the specific need behind the outburst.
- What you might say: “When you say ‘this keeps happening,’ is there a specific part of the workflow where you feel the communication is breaking down? I want to understand where we’re losing the thread.”
Why this works:
By the time you get to asking questions, you have earned the right to be curious because you’ve successfully de-escalated the tension first. By asking yourself, “What will lower the threat enough for this conversation to keep going?”, you can choose to prioritize working towards a resolution, over winning or being “right”.
Effective de-escalation is about reading the moment and choosing what fits Knowing when to slow things down. Knowing when to stop defending. Knowing when to seek clarity.
This kind of judgment comes with experience. It is also why de-escalation works best when organizations think not just about tools, but about timing, readiness, and context.
De-escalation as a practice, not a performance
De-escalation is about staying grounded enough to keep the relationship and the work intact.
Most people do not need more scripts. They need permission to slow down, notice what is happening beneath the surface, and choose responses that reduce harm rather than add to it.
Many organizations are asking how to support these moments more intentionally. If this resonates, it may be worth thinking about what kind of support would make de-escalation easier in your context.
Sources and influences
The ideas in this post draw from a range of well-established approaches to conflict engagement, de-escalation, and collaborative work. These perspectives have shaped how we think about nervous system regulation, defensiveness, curiosity, and staying in relationship during difficult moments.
- Taking the War Out of Our Words
- Nonviolent Communication
- Radical Collaboration
- Conversational Intelligence
MWI works with organizations to design and support informal, confidential conflict resolution options, including organizational ombuds services, that help surface concerns earlier, identify patterns, and support sound decision-making.
To learn more about MWI’s organizational ombuds services or to explore whether this approach could be beneficial for your organization, please visit www.mwi.org/organizational-ombuds-services/.
